Diary of a Mad Old Me

Memories of Starting from Scratch in Shanghai

Change is Inevitable

Off and on for the last four or five years or so since I moved back to the US after about 16 years living in Shanghai, I’ve considered writing a memoir of my experiences. I decided recently to bite the bullet and share my tale, a story of a Chinese-American man cast adrift in a country he barely knew, creating a new career with no connections, no capital, no confidence, and really just sheer bloody-mindedness keeping him going. Along the way we’ll meet celebrities, go all around the world, and meet some of the most, shall we say, interesting people.

No more dithering. Let’s begin.

Part 1: The Unsheltered Sky

In 2004, I was a mess. Over Christmas 2003, my girlfriend of many years had broken up with me while doing field research in Morocco for her Master’s thesis, as part of her PhD studies in anthropology. I had finished most of my PhD exams and was just waiting to write my dissertation, in modern Chinese literature, but before I went on a research trip to China, I was ready to go visit her in Morocco, the first time we would have seen each other in several months. But instead, two days before Christmas, my friends and co-workers Tamara and Kate made me do a doughnuts, coffee, booze, and Twin Peaks marathon to try to cheer me up after I took an international long-distance call that I thought would just be like any other. 

They were great friends to me, and I wasn’t feeling better so much as feeling less bad the next day when she called me again to say that she wanted to take it back, and stay together. 

In the end, I went to Morocco anyway, to try to figure it out face-to-face, one chance to save the last seven years. We traveled in Morocco, meeting in Casablanca, going to Fes for Eid, Tanger, then the south of Spain. It should’ve been the romantic trip of a lifetime, but it was pretty tortured, I think for both of us. Neither of us really wanted to make the final cut, but I have come to believe that we both felt, deep down, that it would’ve been the best thing. I went back to the US even more confused than before I left, and a couple of days later, I was in China. 

My research trip went terribly. Part of it was burnout after 5 years of grad school, but I think a lot of it was just emotional burnout. I needed to do something different. I needed to become someone different, or perhaps more of the person who was there all along. I met another woman, a Chinese woman, who convinced me to stay in China and make a go of it. She was and is someone who truly believes in me and wants me to be my best me, and I’m thankful for that, especially now. Back then, things were pretty messy for a while, but practically, the first thing I needed to do was find a job. 

I answered a classified ad in one of the English language local periodicals, most likely That’s Shanghai or Shanghai Talk, someone was looking for a bilingual associate producer to help make an independent movie. Although that was one of the worst work experiences of my life, it set me on a new track, a new beginning. I started producing and scriptwriting, and did that for a couple years, working with a few different directors, and then getting into TV commercials. 

But after a couple of years, I felt the need for a change once again. One day, I got a call that would send me on a wild ride for the next 13 years. I would travel all over the world. I would work on historical, ground-breaking projects all over Asia, win awards, meet lifelong friends and partners, and maybe, finally, learn to feel confidence in myself again. 

Next installment coming soon

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